I am back!! Alas, I was not taking a boating holiday, but rather tending to a hospitalised husband. Nothing serious, thank the Big Man Upstairs, but it did get me thinking...
Admittedly, I am not the kind of woman who subscribes to the self-help drivel the world seems so keen to inflict upon us - I have never read Eat, Pray, Love, nor will I ever - and I don't believe that there is one particular approach to marriage. As varied as people are, relationships of all kinds are just as varied, and require their own special brand of care - oftentimes a formula only the individuals involved can understand. It is (mostly) for this reason that I am particularly offended by couples who marry after so short a time. How can one possibly know the person one is marrying, and how to care for a relationship that is for all intents and purposes in its infancy, if one has not spent sufficient time getting to know one's spouse prior to one's nuptials? I use the passive voice (if that indeed is the passive voice) because I know far too many couples who fall into this category and it is not my aim to offend, merely to inspire independent thought. But I digress...
Because my own formula for a happy marriage falls so far outside of the normal range, or at least appears to by outsiders, I thought I'd see what the interwebs has to say. Just for fun, open Google and type in "how to be" - the top two searches are "how to be a good wife" and "how to be a good girlfriend".
This tells me two things:
1. No matter how far we move from the anti-feminist world of yesteryear, women somehow still feel the need to be Stepford Wives to keep their husbands, and
2. There clearly is a desperate need for this post to be written.
That last point is said with much cynicism - I am just another blogger with big opinions and a computer, and judging by the copious amounts of literature out there, this post hardly fills a need. But again, I digress...
If we are to believe all the articles out there, a couple need only talk and have sex to be completely happy. And while I do believe that intimacy and communication are two very important aspects of a marriage, that does leave a lot undone in my day. It would appear that most couples (and I say couples because it is the job of both parties involved to make a marriage work) spend too much time focusing entirely on the big things, and forget the little things that can make or break. I don't believe that enough emphasis is given to said little things, and so we reach the crux of this post.
Since, as I've already pointed out, there are about a million and one articles about how to be a good wife and how to have a happy marriage, I will not flog that dead horse. What I will do is share my own formula for a happy marriage. Like I said, to many eyes it appears to fall outside the range of normal, but it's worked for me. For seven years.
THE GHOBRIL GUIDE TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE:
1. ALWAYS say "I love you" - even if it starts to get annoying. One day you'll need to feel extra loved and you can always dip into the bank account.
2. Talk as often as is possible and about everything - not only mutual interests. I have learned a great deal about Warhammer and the lives of self-destructive rock stars of the 80s even though I've never picked up a book on either. Talking about each other's interests shows the other person you're willing to spend time on the things they enjoy and that their likes and dislikes matter to you.
3. If something is bugging you, spit it out! Even if it'll cause a fight, get it out and done with, no use on hanging onto petty anger when it can be resolved in a few minutes!
4. Take compliments from your husband - he chose you, so don't insult his taste. We all have our down days, yes, but learn to love yourself as your spouse loves you, flaws and all.
5. Share your dreams for the future, and talk about them often. Bond over the future, not just the past. And no matter how silly something may seem, get excited with your spouse. Rod and I have spent many hours talking about our family, what we'll name our kids, our pets even, where we'll live, our dream careers... It's wonderful to share those things in a safe place.
6. Cuddle. Even if there's time for nothing else, hug each other and mean it.
7. Respect each other and yourself. Your husband will feel happier if he feels respected. And will respect you more if your respect yourself. It's really the gift that keeps on giving.
8. Surprise your husband with little things, like breakfast in bed, or even just coffee. Rod usually makes me tea in the morning, but he just lights up when I make him coffee and bring it to him.
9. Accept gifts graciously. People like to give gifts. If your husband has gone to the trouble to buy you something, don't get upset with him for spending the money. I just think it's rude and disrespectful to rob someone of the joy of giving a gift. By all means, show that you appreciate the gift with a gentle "you shouldn't have" if you must, but don't snub the gift.
10. Have sex. Intimacy, as I said before, is important. So indulge. There is no right or wrong frequency (despite what studies say - those data sets are always skewed), find what works for you.
11. Thank your husband for the things he does for you, even if it is something he does all the time. I always thank Rod for my tea, and Rod always thanks me for doing the dishes. It shows appreciation and you won't feel taken for granted.
12. Be impressed with your husband's manliness, even if you've watched him hightail it from a spider or Parktown prawn.
13. Hold your husband's hand and comfort him when he cries.
14. Laugh together - there are few things as important as having fun with your man!
15. Have time apart! So many people think if you're apart for a while things will fall apart - not so! It is so important to have alone time to yourself or to spend with girlfriends to recharge your battery. And encourage your husband to do the same! With guy friends, ha ha! To live in a bubble is not only stifling, but just generally unhealthy behaviour.
16. Always change the toilet roll if you finish it.
17. Look after your husband when he's ill and be massively impressed with the size of the kidney stone he just had removed! And buy him a teddy bear at the hospital! This is one of the most important points!
18. Share your husband's joy and anger - get angry at things that make him angry and happy at things that make him happy.
19. Don't nag - ask nicely if you need something done.
20. Most importantly, be honest, about everything. An attitude of transparency is always the best option. Unless you're throwing your husband a surprise party. Then keep quiet. Duh.
I may or may not have left out some points, but it is early Saturday morning, so forgive me. When one is woken by the cat at 2am, one does what one can!
Until next time!
Peace and Love!
I've got one to add:
ReplyDeleteScenario: "Honey, what's wrong?"
Tip: NEVER say "nothing" when there is "something" bothering you! For two reasons:
It is a lie and honesty must be a corner stone of every marriage.
It cannot lead to resolution of that "something" hoewever small or big it may be!
Scenario solution: If you simply do not feel like talking about it then and there, then rather say "somthing is wrong/the matter but i'd rather chat later." Or say what that something is. Remember to do so while not angry - another big hint ;)